Updates

Pristiq Dosage
Still on the 50mg of Pristiq. I haven't had any noticeable side effects or withdrawal since I last updated. Or maybe I'm becoming used to it? Either way, it's a first. And I'm happy about it.

I have been at this dose for over a month now. I had a dr's appointment last week an he said that he wants to keep me here for a bit longer. I'm ok with that, as I think the slow & steady decrease has been good so far. I've got a bottle of 100mg pills left over, so I've been splitting them for my 50mg daily dose. I'd feel sick knowing I wasted a whole bottle of those pills, since they're so pricy. I'm fine with using those up.

Employment
Still no update about the future of my position here. I'm sure they KNOW already, but you know this government. They love fear. They lack any sort of transparency. It's not a good climate right now here.

Mindfulness
I'm getting through this employment uncertainty using some basic mindfulness techniques. Attention to breathing. Loving-kindness. I'm rereading "The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion" by Christopher Germer, and it's helping.

Away

I'm visiting my parents, in a small town in Ontario, about 4 hours west of Ottawa.
It's bringing up a bunch of baggage I thought I'd dealt with. It will be ok though.
I'm tired and feel gross because of my endometriosis. I'm trying to ignore it because I really am blessed to be able to see my family and be here once again. I never know when it will be my last time, so I'm grateful.

Even less security now...

Well, things don't look good. I work for the government, and I'm not permanent, and that doesn't bode well. The 2012 Budget was released recently, and my employer is not exempt from the cuts. They have to cut a ton, in fact. It's fucked up, because this government's mandate would suggested that not cutting my area of work would be in its best interest.

If I'm not out this year, I imagine it will be soon. Unless I get a permanent job, but we've also got hiring freezes now... it's a clusterfuck. In fact, today I got two emails informing me that the competitions I had applied to are now cancelled. And I applied for those months ago.

It makes me mad, because I'm young, educated, and I want to work. I'm not some old guy making six-figures who is just coasting until retirement. I have barely paid off my student loans and I'm facing unemployment again.

Another week at 50mg of Pristiq

So far, I haven't had a whole lot of side effects at the 50mg (decreased) dose of Pristiq.

What I have noticed is more of the same -

• headaches
• irritability / moodiness
• tiredness

I am taking one 50mg pill, which might be why it hasn't been too bad. I'm just speculating at this point, but splitting the pills might be to blame. I haven't noticed as many headaches or other issues since I started taking whole pills. I feel more "even", if that makes any sense. I'm suspecting that it effects the absorption rates or something, since the pills are supposed to be "time released". 

This week, all bets might be off. I've got my period coming near the end of the week, and I get terrible cramps, aches, and moodiness almost every time. I'm staying at 50mg until I see my doctor after Easter. 

Decreasing the Pristiq dose again

I met with my doctor last week, and he advised me to stay at each decreased dose of Pristiq for at least 2 weeks before taking another 25 mg step down. That means on the day after my colonoscopy last week, I started my decrease down to 50 mg of Pristiq.

And guess what! So far, so good.

Other than headaches, at least one a day, I haven't had any major discontinuation syndrome symptoms. I can usually take some ibuprofen and it calms down to a tolerable level.

I had a bit of a rough time the night before my test, as I had been doing my "purge" prep for the test. That involved lots of laxatives and lots of pooping. Of course, even though I took my pill well after I'd taken my last bunch of laxatives, I still found the pill, whole except for some of the coating, in the toilet about an hour later. It's a time released pill, so I don't think much had been absorbed.

And I felt it later. Or rather, I felt something later. Maybe the fasting made it worse. I had weird headaches, and that familiar zappy feeling in my head when I woke up in the morning. I couldn't take my pill again, or drink any water because of my test later that day, so I wasn't feeling great. It waxed and waned all day until I took my next dose a few hours after the test. I took 75 mg, and then decreased to 50 mg the next day.

So here's hoping this gradual decrease keeps working. It's been a lot easier than the cold turkey approach.

Long week

Can't believe I went a week without posting.
I have been pretty busy.
Lots of drama in various places of my life.

My work has been busy and weird. I won't get into the nitty-gritty here, but there's been some shake-ups, and my boss has been really stressed out. Today she told me that she's having stress-related health problems, and she's been advised to take some time off. And she will be. I empathize, but at the same time I'm feeling jealousy. I have been having stress-related health problems for a few years now, and because of my status at work (i.e. contract) I don't have the luxury of taking medical leave. Other than a couple days here and there. If I take leave, I'm out of a job. No one's holding a spot for me or paying me while I "de-stress."And with my partner in school for the next 3 years, it's not like I have anyone to fall back on. Welfare? Disability payments? I doubt it.

Speaking of time off, I had to use two of my vacation days so I could have a colonoscopy done. One day of "prep" (laxatives and lots of crapping) and then the actual test day. I haven't had a great time of it, but it was better than other tests I've had to try to diagnose my gastrointestinal problems. I saw the doctor after the test, and he said nothing showed up on the colonoscopy. Nothing. So that's good, but it doesn't explain what the fuck is causing the pain, bloating, diarrhea or other issues I've been having. Back to square one with that.

Oh and another thing, my mother in law had promised to take me to my test, since our car recently crapped out and I needed someone to pick me up because I'd be having sedation. However, her 32 year old daughter, who is currently in medical school out west, needed her more, apparently. For no reason they will discuss, of course. It was just a "oh btw, I'll be gone for three weeks". Nevermind that we had plans. She make a big fucking deal about how she'll do something for me (or us) like she's going out of her way to help and then she just fucks off to be with my sister in law. My sister in law is a whole other story, and since she continually causes shit in the our family's life, I'm sure I'll talk about her again. Essentially, she's a spoilt, arrogant, overbearing, over-parented, golden child who can do no wrong in her parents' eyes. She's going to be a doctor, but has no life experience and talks down to everyone like she is either 1) their overbearing mother, or 2) someone who knows wayyy better than you do about your own business or anything else. She does this to me, despite me being a little more than 2 years younger. She freaks out if anyone questions her authority or points out she doesn't know what she's doing. She's going to be a great doctor, with a great bedside manner, clearly. This, along with the general overbearing hover-parenting of my mother in law, makes me want to avoid them more often than not. But I digress, it's annoying when someone promises to do something and then blows you off.

So with all these annoyances, I'm trying to take a deep breath before I freak out. That's where the name of this blog comes from. I need to refrain from my habit of freaking the fuck out and letting things get to me. Trying. Making honest attempts.

More Than Alive

I think this is one of my favourite songs.

Hayden - More Than Alive

Related/unrelated?

Yesterday was awful.
I had an unexpected and stressful event at 3am, which disrupted my sleep and left me drained and miserable at 5:30 when my alarm went off.
All day at work I felt out of it and exhausted. I had a weird thing happen. During a bad headache, I stood up to make my way to the washroom and then felt a bit of a head rush. Then, when I was sitting on the toilet (for a pee), I saw what could only be described as "stars" in my vision. They almost looked like little fireflies. They moved and left a little "tail" like mini-comets, maybe lasting half a second. They were bright white. I had no pain, other than the existing headache, and these "stars" only lasted about 30 seconds.
They were pretty, but what the fuck?
Did I have a stroke or something?
The headache went away and I haven't seen anything else since. I don't know if this was a Pristiq withdrawal thing, or just parts of my brain dying off.... Sighs.

Anyhow, after that bizarre stuff, I continued to have a day where almost everything went "wrong". I tried to take a step back and be mindful, but it just wasn't happening. I was incredibly irritable and burst into tears when I got home. The evening went a bit better. I took half an Ativan at 7:30 pm and was asleep by 9:30.
This morning, things are decidedly better than they were yesterday.

Going off Pristiq - end of week 2 @ 75 mg

It's been 2 weeks at 75 mg of Pristiq (1.5 x 50mg pills) and so far it hasn't been too bad. I was expecting worse, given my experiences with accidentally missing or late doses of Pristiq. I've been making notes when I can about what I'm feeling and these seem to be the most noticeable issues so far:

- Headaches! Not full out migraines, but moderately painful headaches. More than normal, I think I had at least one a day. Headaches often affected one side of my head, left or right, or right at the front above my eyes. Most of the time, two ibuprofen helped it enough to go on with my day.

- Exhaustion. I've been very tired. It could be the remnants of my chest infection.

- "Cognitive" issues. I don't know how to explain it, but it's almost like a foggy feeling, in my head. I feel slow. I can still get things done, but I feel like it takes me longer and takes more effort. Sometimes I can't remember if I've said things out loud, or just in my head.

So that's it. I've notice that I get more headachy as I near the evening hours when I'm due for my pills. Other than that, it's not too bad. So far. Knock on wood.
I have another appointment with my Dr this week, so we'll see how he thinks we should proceed.

Pristiq Side Effects

As mentioned before, I started Pristiq in the Fall of 2009. My doctor had suggested that I take it, since I had had a fairly good experience with Effexor. However, I'd had a lot of side effects from Effexor, and the doctor said most of his patients had fewer side effects with Pristiq.
Luckily, I've had fewer side effects too.
There were some that bothered me though, and I'll explain them here.


Increased perspiration - Ugh, sweat. It isn't as bad as when I was on Effexor. Effexor was awful for sweating. It didn't matter if I was exerting myself or just sitting on the couch watching tv, I'd be sweating like crazy. It got to the point where I'd wear men's antiperspirant, because the women's stuff didn't work. And it's not like you just sweat under your arms. Since going on Pristiq, it's not AS terrible, but I still notice it. 


Drowsiness - I'm constantly tired. I felt this on Effexor too. I can almost always nap. Even in the mornings, I rarely feel "rested" when I wake up. 


Weight Gain - Since I started Pristiq, I've gained more than 20 lbs. I don't know if it's entirely an effect of Pristiq, since I've always had weight issues, but the weight did come on quickly. 


Bloating & cramping & diarrhea - Shortly after starting Pristiq, I started getting a lot of bloating and cramping in my lower digestive system. It isn't in my stomach, it's lower down. I also started having a lot more diarrhea too. I've had several tests and nothing comes up with a reason for the cramping and diarrhea. It's disruptive and I've missed a lot of work because of it. This is one of the main reasons I want to go off Pristiq and see if it makes any difference. The list of potential side effects generally given with Pristiq doesn't really include anything like this.

Decreased libido - I have no sex drive whatsoever. It's GONE. I can still orgasm if I try, but I have no desire to try. I feel like a robot. It's been so long that I don't remember what it's like to be turned on. 


All that to feel happy, eh?
That's it for now. I'll add more as I think of them. 

Going off Pristiq

***Please Note: I'm not a doctor. I'm not dispensing medical advice. This is just what is happening in my own case. Please discuss your concerns with your own doctor and do not take this blog as professional medical advice.***

I've been on Pristiq, starting at the 50mg dose, and later at the 100mg dose, for over 3 years. At first, I was excited about the idea of fewer side effects than Effexor, which I had been on for at least 2 years previously. I had a lot of side effects with Effexor, but I had felt it was an improvement over the meds I was on before. And Pristiq did work, for a year or so. It helped me when I started a new job. It helped take the edge off a bit socially. Now, I don't know.

I'm not in a deep depression, but I've definitely been better. Better, even while being on Pristiq. I'm on a higher dosage now than what clinical trials found beneficial. Also, I've been experiencing some gastrointestinal problems that started a month or so after upping the dose of Pristiq to 100mg. There are other reasons, such as the complete and utter lack of a sex drive, and the weight gain (20lbs+) I experienced. I'll expand on the side effects in a separate post.
The short of it - I'm going to reduce my daily dose of Pristiq, with the intent of going off it completely.

If you know Pristiq, or its precursor, Effexor, you'll know that they've got a reputation of being difficult to "discontinue". Hopefully, a doctor pointed this out to you. I knew that they had this reputation from my own research. My doctor didn't bring it up when he initially put me on it. I had to ask. He tried to play it down, saying different people react differently - which is true, obviously - but I haven't heard of people having a great time going off Effexor or Pristiq. He said the pill is helpful, in his experience, and we can cross the "withdrawal" bridge when we come to it. Fair enough. I still think HE should have mentioned it. I'm sure people don't get on these drugs with full knowledge of their side effects and potential drawbacks. I digress - I knew what I was getting into when I started taking it. At least up until this point, I don't regret going on Pristiq (or Effexor.)

So, my doctor and I discussed it at my last appointment, and I'm starting to decrease my daily dose. I've spent a week and a few days on 75 mg, after years of being at 100mg. I take one whole 50mg pill, with another 50mg pill cut in half. It is difficult to cut Pristiq, because it's not meant to be cut, but I haven't had too much trouble doing it. I had mentioned to my pharmacist that I'm decreasing my dose, and she gave me a big speech about how I shouldn't cut the pills. I'm glad she cares, at least. I know it's not advised. My doctor knows I am doing it, in fact, it was his idea.

Last week I was so sick with a chest infection that i don't know if I experienced any withdrawal symptoms. I certainly felt like crap, but who knows where it originated. Could have been the infection, the antibiotics, or Pristiq withdrawal. I'm still not 100%, but I'm back at work and a bit more lucid. I guess we'll see what happens as the chest infection subsides.

I can't remember the last time I wasn't on some combination of psych meds... possibly, early 2003. It's been a long time.

Drive by post

I'm writing this from an app on my phone. I've never tried it before, do hopefully this works.

I am still sick.

I took another day off and I'm grumpy about that. I'm trying to just relax and let this thing pass, but I keep thinking about the time I'm wasting being sick. I feel this need to be productive all the time. I don't know where it comes from, but I don't think it's very helpful in the long run.

Phlegm Party

I'm so sick right now.
Yesterday, I had a scratchy throat and a bit of a cough.
This morning, I woke up with a fever, with body aches, head aches, and a wicked cough. My chest hurts like crazy, and I'm coughing up gross stuff.
I took the day off work. I hate doing that. I don't have many sick days left, and it seems like people never take time off at my work. I work with a lot of people in law enforcement, and I already feel weak/second-class around them due to that whole "blue wall" thing. I'm civilian. I feel like I'm weak, or not dedicated, or something like that. I have a few chronic health issues, which I'll eventually discuss here, and I need sick time for appointments and tests. When I actually get sick randomly, like I am now, it makes me feel like I'm almost wasting my sick time. Which is stupid, because that's what this time is for.
Eventually it will get to the point where I'm taking unpaid days, but I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. I've done that with other jobs.

Anyhow. Hopefully this illness will sort itself out.

Bits

I'm in my late 20s.
I was born female and identify as a woman.
I'm Canadian. I've lived in Ontario all my life.
I live with a good guy (who I'll refer to here as my SO), a dog, and a cat.
I have a graduate degree.
I have worked full-time since I got out of university.

I fell apart when I was 13. I spent time in a psychiatric hospital, where I was diagnosed bipolar a month before I turned 14.

Since my diagnosis, I have only spent about 2 years without being on some sort of antidepressant or mood stabilizer.

While I don't give medication much credit for any success I've had in life, I believe it has helped at times.

Part of my motivation for starting this blog was to document my work coming off antidepressants, hopefully for the rest of my days.

Set up

I've been at this point before a few times in my life. I start up a new blog. I have hope it will develop into something worthwhile. I don't know how to define "worthwhile" right now, but I'm sure it will become apparent eventually. 

I've spent about an hour now trying to find a template/design I like. I have never worked with blogger, but have used so many other blogging platforms that this isn't a huge struggle. So far, blogger is cooperating. I want to try to keep the blog simple, to keep the focus on my contents, but I get distracted by setting up the visuals. 

I have a cute kitty on my desk.She likes to watch me type and follow my cursor across the screen. She keeps trying to drink from my glass of water.

I'm reading a book about L.Ron Hubbard. I'm not a scientologist, I just read books about people like him sometimes.

I just noticed I've started every paragraph with a sentence beginning with "I". Does that bode well for this blog?

Hi.

Here goes nothing.